What to Do?

I'm going through a major purge and organizing phase. As Martha would say, "It's a good thing." Unlike Martha I've hit a couple of brick walls named "fall asleep at 7:30 PM" and "My ankles are too swollen to do anything but sit here on the couch for a few minutes - no wait, make that an hour or so."


Included in the purge and organizing phase is a weekly google search titled, "having a baby in a small house." It's a pretty awesome search and yields all kinds of good stuff. It's how I found my puj tub. And put a few of my anxieties to rest about buying things for baby (with some help with a dear friend). This week the search resulted in Janna's Small & Functional Home for 4. But better still, it introduced me to the blog in which this post was located. Making This Home. I'm totally addicted and I recommend perusing through her stuff. I don't feel overwhelmed at all when I read it and that is a feat in itself these days.


The point of my story, is that while reading Katie's blog I started to think about how I would much rather be at home organizing and cleaning and taking care of things there than I would be at work killing my time online during my 15 minute breaks and one hour lunches. It's not a new phenomenon by any means - just one that constantly gets pushed to the backburner by exhaustion and appointments and 2-hour commutes and 9-hour work days.


Monday just totally dragged me down. Maybe it was the fact that our sun had finally come out and then hidden itself from us again. Maybe I didn't eat very well over the weekend. But I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that I felt guilted and trapped at a job that I don't love doing. I had a brief conversation with one of my employers about my maternity leave and I admitted to him that I'm still on the fence about whether or not I'll even come back after I have the baby. We talked a little bit about what they require right now as far as staffing goes and how that might change in the future and whether or not part time might be something that I should consider. For the rest of the day I went back and forth in my mind between working in the office part time or working from home part time or maybe a combination of the two. Then I agonized over how I'd leave them in a lurch if I just up and left because then they'd have to hire someone new and they'd have to train them and it would be a big hassle and I'd feel ungrateful for all of the nice things they've done for me over the last six years.


By the time Tuesday rolled around, I had found and devoured Katie's blog and I started to think, "THIS is what I should be doing!!" Not blogging about eco-savvy living in a 450-square foot apartment in Germany necessarily but a the very least I should be doing something that I LOVE doing. Because I'm tired of the commute, tired sitting at my desk, tired of the micro-managing and just plain tired of the SAME thing over and over and over every day until I'm breaking land speed records just to be home where I can be the person that I'm happy about being.


It's certainly easier said than done. There are a lot of things that need to happen over the next five months to make our dream a reality. First and foremost, Matt is amping up his Mission Service Corps efforts this summer and fall to make up for my 3 months of unpaid maternity leave. In the process we're praying that he can find enough regular monthly supporters to replace my income entirely and allow me to stay home with Max. It's a lofty goal and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't create some tension within me to think about what will happen if we fall short. But at the risk of sounding naive, I know that everything will work out no matter what the final result of our efforts.


Ultimately, I have no idea what I want a "typical" day to look like around here. At this point, I just want to make it through the first few months of being a mom with my head still attached to my body. Of course, once the baby comes there's probably not going to be such a thing as a "typical" day - but I'd certainly like the opportunity to enjoy as many minutes of it that I can.