Changes and Reflections

I've never been one for New Year's resolutions. Partly because I think that if you are going to make a change for the better, you might as well do it as soon as possible. Why save up the changes for a new calendar year? But mostly because I'm not any good at sticking to New Year's Resolutions. I'm trying to keep my home less cluttered but so far I've done a pretty poor job at that. Last year I wanted to work out more. Wait, there is no "more" in that sentence. I needed to start working out - period. The year before that I wanted to learn how to play the guitar. The year before that I wanted to catch up on my scrapbooking. So far I've been pretty good at watching football and reruns of Bones and House (love Hugh Laurie!), not getting up on time, procrastinating, spending money and wearing my hair in a pony tail (for the 25th year in a row).

Sometimes the hardest thing about turning over a new page on the calendar is knowing that for better or worse change is inevitable. Time marches on and so on and so forth... Families change, jobs change, neighborhoods change, friends change, and I change. Will I be happy with the person that rings in the new year in 2009? Will I be ready for the changes in my life that must now come?

For the most part I'm happy with the person I am. Sometimes I'm too sarcastic for my own good. I have a terrible habit of playing devil's advocate (just ask my husband). I often back down from the things I should rush into battle for and dive foolishly into an argument that in the end only ends up hurting everyone involved. There are of course a few exceptions, but in general I don't get excited about engagements, marriages, births and anniversaries which makes me wonder if I have faulty wiring in my brain that makes me incapable of normal female emotions.

I've had to stand up for what I knew to be right and in the process took a few on the chin. I learned that Christ is the most important person in my life - more so than my husband, mother, father, sister, and friends. If I am afraid to speak His truth to those around me, I'm useless. I learned that I'm terrified to stand before the creator of the universe because I know I am not worthy. But by His Blood I can boldly approach the throne of God and have nothing to fear. For too long I've taken Christ's sacrifice for granted and He is teaching me what it truly means to be His daughter. It's an uncomfortable, often painful process but it's one of the few things that gets me to shut my mouth and listen.

In the end, I know that I am who I am for a reason. My lack of sloppy teary-eyed emotion at the birth of a child when compared to my tendency to cry like a baby when I watch an NCAA football highlight reel filled with the dashed hopes of many and the fulfilled dreams of a few doesn't make sense at all. But I suppose it doesn't have to. I'll get to where I need to be in time and become the person I need to be when it's right. Meanwhile, I'll probably keep procrastinating and watching House, have a good cry every six months or so and go a few more rounds with the volatile personalities I have come to love so dearly.