And Baby Makes Three

Yes, you read that correctly. Baby. Yes, our baby...sheesh, who's did you think we were talking about? We don't care about other peoples babies...

We had our dating ultrasound this afternoon. Here's how that went:

2:00: Jackie drinks 32 ounces of water.
2:30: Jackie almost pees herself sitting at the stop light near her home
2:45: Jackie cheats and empties half her bladder and makes her husband swear that he won't utter a word to the Ultrasound Tech because in 2000 there was a mean Ultrasound Tech who scolded her for not having a full enough bladder while she silently shouted profanities at him and asked if he had ever drank gallons of water and then not gone to the bathroom for and hour.
2:58: Jackie makes Matt stop at the Target next to the hospital because she's crying and about to pee on the seat.
3:08: Check in. Lady at the front desk says that ultrasound is just a quick right-left-right zigzag down the hall.
3:09: "quick" zigzag finished. Jackie looks down the 1/8 mile of hallway still to be traveled and lets out an unlady-like "For the love of God! How much farther is it?!"
3:09:22 A number of people turn to look at the cranky lady.
3:11: arrive in the Ultrasound department and Jackie is asked if she drank all of her water. To which she fires laser beams out of her eyes at the nice young lady at the desk.
3:14: The perky blond whatever-the-heck-she-is who was talking about her weekend to the scheduling nurse while we waited/squirmed on the chair comes and takes us to our room. Jackie gets up from her chair muttering something about killing someone.
3:15: Jackie sits down on the squishy table.
3:15:25: Jackie changes positions
3:15:46: Jackie changes positions
3:16:07: Jackie gets up and paces, decides that's a bad idea and sits back down.
3:16:20: Jackie changes positions
3:16:25: Jackie changes positions
3:16:33: Jackie changes positions
3:16:41: Jackie changes positions to an unladylike position
3:16:55: Jackie changes positions to another unladylike position
3:17: Jackie turns to Matt and shouts, "WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY??"
3:19: Jackie sends Matt into the hallway to see where the bathroom is.
3:19:30: Jackie pees a little on her gown.
3:20: Jackie empties half of her bladder (again)
3:23: Ultrasound lady comes in, gets started and says, "Wow, your bladder is really full!" Jackie keeps laser beams in her eyeballs and confesses that she made a quick bathroom stop because she was so miserable.
3:25: Jackie gets to pee again. For real this time.
3:27: Matt asks why they need Jackie to have a full bladder and finds out that they need to have a "rough estimate" of where everything is. He thinks this is funny. Jackie doesn't.
3:30-ish (empty bladder affects the perception of the passage of time): Ultrasound lady finds and labels stuff like yolk sac, amnion, head, rump.
3:37-ish: Matt and Jackie watch the little heart beat 167 times and Jackie almost cries either because she's freaking out that there's a person in there, thinks it's cute or is just so worn out from the previous hour she has no control over her emotions.
3:38-ish: Jackie sucks it up (because she's no wuss) and manages not to cry.
3:42-ish: Jackie asks forgiveness for yelling at the hallway, threatening the life of the nice blonde girl (who took her sweet, freaking time), and saying Hell. And shouting at her husband.

(I have decided that torturing yourself by not going to the bathroom and then finally going to the bathroom has the same effect as some mild sedatives. I almost fell asleep on the table and when the lady in the parking garage almost hit us with her car I was totally cool with it.)

So, Baby is due on October 25th. It seems kind of soon to be telling people but I've been flaking out on friends and making students go home early because I'm so tired and I'm really sick of pretending that I'm not exhausted.

So far, the morning sickness hasn't been bad. Then again, I don't mind throwing up. I know, weird right? I had one particularly bad week so I came up with the following list for future reference:

Things not to do when suffering from morning sickness

1. Open the clothes dryer after a skunk has sprayed in your neighborhood thus releasing toxic fumes into the house.
2. Drive under the freeway at the exact moment a bird drops the biggest, greenest, juiciest pile of bird poop directly onto your windshield - directly in your line of vision.
3. Listen to forensic crime novels on CD as they describe maggots, larvae, blood, guts, etc.
4. Do numbers 1-3 in the same morning.

I'm also crankier than all get out. No one is safe (except my husband who to this point has been wonderful) clients, employers, co-workers, students, family, etc. Sundays are particularly bad because there are a whole bunch of people at church who should do us all a favor and shut up and keep their hands to themselves. Why on earth my pastor thinks a 45 minute sermon covering three chapters of Romans is necessary to my spiritual growth is beyond me. In fact, I may be utilizing a prayer card in next week's offering to tell him how I feel about that as well as make some suggestions.

Thankfully a few of my bestest and dearest friends have had children within the past year so I'm getting good advice. Like, "don't listen to anyone's advice - tell them to shut it" and "Labor's not really that bad, think of it as a sports competition and the winner gets a baby." One of these friends gave birth to her son three weeks ago and because she's one of those tiny little pregnant ladies that makes everyone sick, she says she's ready to box up her maternity clothes. I've already called dibs.

And now all there is left to do besides take a nap is to tell my friend Rea that we had a lot of purpose.